The Apocalypse Pantry

A Survivor's Guide to Happiness in the Urban Armageddon

Filtering by Category: Love Matter


If you were to scroll through the gallery of billboard/bus stop/public toilet/ social media feed/ back of eyelid advertisements you have filed away in your memory, you would find a plethora of visual data supporting the hypothesis that consumable commodities cause women to orgasm.  Mouth slightly open, body splayed in a myriad of subtle genuflections to said object of desire, vagina cropped out of the shot leaving the viewer to assume that the item in question is somehow going to work on her just outside the visible frame.  Anything from bottles of beer, hand bags and mascara tubes to the more logistically challenging big ticket items of refrigerators and cars, bringing beautiful women to climax.  Despite these convincing statistics, very few of these things should actually be put inside a vagina.   THAT SAID there are so many wonderful things that can be! Things that vagina's really do like, things that make vagina's smile if only metaphorically -though surely if there is a woman in Phnom Penh blowing smoke rings with hers, a smiling vagina is not physically impossible.

Obviously there are penises (peni?).  BUT NOT ALL PENI AND VAGI GO TOGETHER!!! Some vagi's prefer other vagi's and some peni's prefer other peni's.  Also, some peni's are attached to heaving sacks of emotional retardation and that shit cannot be barricaded with latex. Also, also, also, some vagi are soul vacuums.  So proceed with caution and self respect, a bad combo can be bad for all of mankind, not unlike a Ghostbuster stream cross.


Rather explore the realm of vaginal cuisine; foodstuffs that fit and are molecularly invested in the health and longevity of lady bits:

Herbal Tea

Referred to as 'yoni tea' by Tantra practitioners, this is the equivalent of a eucalyptus steam at the spa for a yayina.  Anything aromatically pleasing as far as herbs go can be used; jasmine flowers, chamomile, cardamom, basil, blahdy fucking blah google it.  Ifaddressing something specific like inflammation or candida, use herbs that correspond like sage and tea tree respectively. Bring tea to a boil on medium heat.  Allow to steep awhile then, while still steaming, pour into a large bowl and straddle over it.  Its fucking lovely and I have never not needed to masturbate afterward.  


My absolutely favourite thing in the entire world.  Cucumber cool lingers and its no less true for a vaginal canal as it is for the tired eyes of wealthy poolside house wives.  Peel the cucumber and carve it down for the right fit then use it like a dildo.  The big win is to carve it so it exactly fits the length and breadth of the canal in question so it can be inserted then any additional attention to a labia/clitoris combo will be masterblast material- its like a strap on with no straps and it cleans while you cum! 

Disclaimer for our male readers- when i say cucumber i'm not speaking of the massive ones, the small to mediums will do very fine for the average woman's pleasure requirements, despite what your porn viewing has led you to believe woman's vaginas aren't normally big enough to host a horse cock. ALSO the girl in your high school whose cousin's friend had sex with a frozen hot dog and it broke and she had to go to the hospital to have it removed does not exist.  Things don't get stuck in vaginas, they are not black holes. Even an octogenarian nun with the PVC muscles of a bowl of soup could squat low and push out a hotdog. That said, strong PVC muscles will contract in orgasm so removal may have to wait until decrescendo happens.  For many of these things, that's a bonus because all the blood in the area will improve absorption.  


Antibiotics are the Robitussen of the candida world. Itchy? Put some biotics on it!  Scratchy? Mo' biotics!! If women keep taking antibiotics they build resistance to them, invariably creating mutant Toxic Avenger yeast infections.  Avoid a life sentence of itchy vigilantism by treating yeast infections preventatively.  One such a way is spooning yogurt into the female intercrural foramen (which is what provides as a synonym for "cunt"). Spooning it in doesn't really work , I just like the idea of a yogurt commercial with a skinny suburban housewife feeding her vagina from a single serving yogurt cup.   Rather turkey baster/20ml-syringe-without-a-needle it in.  If the owner of recently basted vagina needs to go in public soon after and doesn't want to leave a snail trail of yogurt behind them, squeeze it out with PVC muscles, take a shower and wear a pad.  This practice works at the very onset of a yeast infection as well as preventatively because your vaginal flora (mental note: Vaginal Flora good band name) is mainly Lactobacillus which keeps the PH nice and acidic so bacteria can't grow. Lactobacillus is also in which food? Class?โ€ฆ yogurt.  

*Kefir can also be basted/syringed in, it will run out faster than yoghurt so a nice solution for those on the go.

Probiotic Supplements

The same reasoning as douching with yoghurt, probiotics are responsible for keeping gut flora in balance and the vaginal canal has its own microbial garden of the same good bacteria (namely the Lactobacillucus strains) growing to keep the body in balance because the body doesn't treat its own genitals like a dangerous neighbourhood to be avoided.  If its good for the body, its good for the whole thing tummy and cum tube alike.  So pop a veggie capsule of store-bought probiotics in your vagina, they will dissolve over a few hours and help support the good bacteria that come under threat by our candida promoting western diets, stressful lifestyles, toxic urban environments and psychological waste of sexually repressed colonial cultures.


Also amazing for yeast infections because its anti-fungal and though one may not want to think of a vagina as a home for wayward mushrooms, its wonderfully moist dark and wet conditions are perfectly suited for fungal infections like candida to thrive. Peel and insert a large clove whole at the onset of an infection, you can pop it in and keep it overnight.  If it is an adventurous garlic it may go a spelunkin'  in which case you may have to dig for it in the morning.   It will likely cause a watery discharge as it continues to clean insides out the following day so protect those panties.  


This little treat started out as a punishment for women in Ancient Greece. It was so effective in reforming them into silent cum buckets of reproductive glory that the practice was picked up by the Romans and even found a resurgence in Victorian England.  This practice of "Figging" has been reclaimed by the BDSM community as the burning sensation, if not pushed past the point of a person's tolerance as it would have been done in its punitive context, can be a nice hit of pleasure pain. Ginger's anti-inflammatory, antibacterial, antioxidant and anti-parastic properties benefit vagina's in the same way it would a sore throat.

Kombucha Scoby

Another effective yeast eater/ anti-inflamer/ PH balancer/ pleasure giverer.  Roll it up like some kind of wonderful cunt crepe, insert overnight.  Or, if there is an appropriate peni at the ready, wrap cock like a pig in a blanket and give him a good old fashioned teenage hand-job because why the fuck not but also because penises carry yeast infections too and unless he gets treated you will keep giving them to each other like an itchy game of ping pong.  

Coconut/ Olive/ Almond/ Macademiaโ€ฆbasically any oil pre-tested for allergies.

Fuck a K-Y! Personal lubricant products and the corporations that make them are not trying to cure Dry Pussy Syndrome.  They make their money by keeping kitties dry and coming to them for instant relief, its like chapstick for conchas; rather use natural oils that support the body's own oil production.  Also listen to what the vagina is saying! If its not wet its not ready for penetration.  Unless said vagina belongs to a fuck machine with a punch card clock or its the post-apocalypse and it is fucking for the future of mankind then pause, switch it up, enjoy a crotch massage with any of these oils to entice the squishy mitten to contribute her own oil to the mix.   If that doesn't work, fucking relax and go watch Netflix, neither party involved has their Fuckability Index Rating on global display.  Our genitals have a mind of their own and if we don't bother to get to know them, ignoring their subtle communications, they remain wholly unpredictable and increasingly less subtle in their protests.  

*natural oils destroy latex so only recommended for raw times with pre-tested partners


The taste and sensation of fruit eaten from a vagina for both the eater and the human plate is a dessert experience like no other; where is the restaurant that's figured this out?! Japan, its in Japan. Fruit a vahaaa; any and all and always.  BUT! Sugar left to ferment in the vaginal canal can result in a yeast infection so strong it could make a loaf of sourdough.  So if going for the obvious banana insertion then an herbal tea douche afterward is recommended. Use cleansing herbs like rosemary, make into a tea, cool to body temp then squirt inside vagina with a turkey baster. The less fuss option would be to keep it on the surface ie. shmearing those passion fruit innards over the whole zone then washing afterward with mild soap.  While on the topic of clean-up, avoid stringy things like mango pulp unless the vagina in question (Who are you vagina? What does it all mean vagina? Answer meeeeeeeee!!!) has a meticulously trimmed hedge because picking them shits out of pubes will be the take away from the experience regardless of how good the mango flavoured cunnilungous climax was.  

Sweet potato - (Follow with an herbal squirt (see fruit) to clear out the starchy/sugar because  candida) a great source of Vitamin A which strengthens vaginal walls. Also, due to the absorbency of the walls themselves, the Vitamin A will get delivered to the little factory in a woman's reproductive system that makes progesterone so it can balance out the estrogen levels, helping regulate menstrual cycles and even calming a lady's moustache the fuck down.  Sweet potatoes that grow from stumps of old sweet potatoes are perfectly cock shaped and can be scrubbed down to thin the peel so the veg innards connect with the vag innards.

Carrot- same logic as sweet potato; carrots are high in beta-carotene which turns into Vitamin A inside the body, again thanks to the teeny factory tucked away deep inside the mysterious abyss of the reproductive system. Peel, poke, repeat!

Different cultures offer different vaginal cuisine based on historical practices and available produce so don't let this guide limit future experiment but rather be an information base to explore from. If we were to collectively pause and consider how neglected Pink Ladies are (not to mention all the wiping and the hair pulling and the hiding away in public)  its no wonder they occasionally revolt.  The least we could do is let them out of their cotton cages every once in a while and treat them to a nice meal, it's really just common human decency.  Incorporating a little vagina meal plan into your life is simple, one can also write to their local parliamentary representative and advocate for communal vagina veg garden funding for their neighbourhood. Everything is possible in a world full of nourished vagina's!  Boner appetite! 

Recipe Ode to Vaginablez


-All of the above


-Do I have to do everything around here? Follow your good feels and call me in the morning.