GET THAT HAPPY SWEAT
Before you opt for the op to get your sweat glands removed, consider that every precious drop of fluid from your body carries vital you-information that communicates your youness to the world around who? You. Sweat specifically is quite literally "another way to say I love you".
Research published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science:
"While previous research has shown that negative emotions related to fear and disgust are communicated via detectable regularities in the chemical composition of sweat, few studies have examined whether the same communicative function holds for positive emotions.
Our study shows that being exposed to sweat produced under happiness induces a simulacrum of happiness in receivers, and induces a contagion of the emotional state,” explains psychological scientist Gün Semin of Utrecht University in the Netherlands, senior researcher on the study. “This suggests that somebody who is happy will infuse others in their vicinity with happiness. In a way, happiness sweat is somewhat like smiling — it is infectious."
If that doesn't convince you then perhaps this poorly lit footage of a sweat gland removal surgery from Germany will:
If you still want to help your plastic surgeon make his monthly yacht payment with your insecurities and you feel that making yourself inert is the way to achieve happiness in life then by all means BUT BEFORE YOU DO just consider for a moment that whatever main stream media has convinced you is an unloveable thing about your body is a plot. "Profuse" sweating? Gotta love these vague terms used in media that basically qualify everyone- am i profusing you? Shit am I just too profuse? Sorry, I profused all over your couch. If my man Barry could deliver a full performance in a polyester suit under Vegas stage lighting, sweating like the love walrus he was AND maintain sex symbol status the whole way, surely whatever you think is "profuse" is actually on the spectrum of "normal".
Cuz friends, what if your sweat bone is connected to your happy bone in ways we don't understand? Or your inner thigh fat bone is connected to your empathy bone? Or your backne bone is connected to that inexplicable thing that makes you endearing to your loved ones bone? Beauty is bone deep and you can't get a full skeleton transplant (yet) which means you will never get to the point where you've successfully had all your ugly surgically removed. But you can generate a deep appreciation for the universe of awe inspiring wonder that is your body's full scope of function and sweat the beauty of your bones out into the world around you. Its an apocalypse survival strategy; no neo-liberal capitalism means no private hospitals means no pharmaceuticals for profit which means none of that sweet general anaesthetic. All of a sudden the choice between having to endure a "doctor" scraping out your armpit with a rusted knife in full consciousness and losing the Ms.No Sweat Gland pageant makes itself.
A Recipe Ode To Get That Happy Sweat
salty chocolate balls
tempered dark chocolate
-in order to find fresh sweat glands, you will have to forage from the bins out back of your nearest privatized elective surgery hospital
-puncture gland and allow to seap
-soak in fresh water to remove bin remnants note: the sweat glands from humans on the banting diet are quite salty and require a longer soaking time
-while soaking, make chocolate ganache by measuring 2:1 by weight tempered dark chocolate: heavy cream, heat cream and slowly pour over the chocolate, stirring constantly until cream and chocolate are evenly emulsified
-using the same puncture, fill gland with chocolate ganache while still in its molten state
-allow to cool and set
-heat coconut oil in pan to very hot, drop chocolate filled sweat gland into oil until brown and crispy
-remove from heat and allow to cool slightly so chocolate stays soft and gland stays crispy