The Apocalypse Pantry

A Survivor's Guide to Happiness in the Urban Armageddon

Grow Your Own Future Skin Pocket!

Six Mind Blowing Ways to Accelerate Your Evolution In Time For Bikini Season!

We can all agree that skin pockets (an extra flap of skin layered atop of one's abdomen for the holding of miniature stuffs) will be crucial in the apocalypse.  Apocalypse radiation protection lipstick? In the skinpocket. Apocalypse uranium powered miniature hand held fan? In the skinpocket!  Apocalypse lead lined ray bans? In the SKIN pocket!! Apocalypse feelings of uncertainty? STUFF EM IN THE SKIN POCKETTTT!!!!

Here is a list our intern compiled from various googlings of very possibly highly effective ways to get your skin pocket NOW without having to wait for the slow plodding of biological evolution to catch on to trending advances in personal pocketry:

1. Clothes pins extension exercises. Draw a line on your stomach of how big you want your skin pocket to be.  Along its sides and bottom edges, clothes pin the flesh every 1.5 cm's.  Continue this action, pinching more skin every time until you have three sizeable flaps that can then be folded over like epidermis origami and sewn together.

2. Stomach staple, just on the outside instead of the inside!  The same procedure as a stomach stapling but reversed, your abdominal flesh is squeezed off and stapled and the extra protruding flesh that would be removed in an internal stomach staple situation is scraped free of muscles and fat and stapled along three sides back on to the stomach from whence it came.  Your doctor may not have heard of this procedure and thus you may need to walk them through it a couple times before the anaesthetic sets in.

3. Slice a slit in your skin then stretch it out and very carefully, with a grapefruit spoon, separate the skin from the muscle wall until you have a sizeable pocket area. Shellac the inner linings of your new pocket with non-stick oven spray so that it doesn't go about trying to heal itself.  

Illustration by Kayaan Zhan and coloured in by the mystical Ghia Zierdien

Illustration by Kayaan Zhan and coloured in by the mystical Ghia Zierdien

4. Scalp someone (meaty cop heads work well) then, while its still fresh, expose a small area of your own flesh, lay scalp on demarcated area of your abdomen and leave it there until the two flesh's become one.  This version does require routine shaving of your skin pocket or can simply be a hairy skin pocket perfectly adapted for colder climates.

5. Intention is everything- Visualize! Visualize! Visualize! Start with a small vision, like a skin business card holder, then work your way up into a full blown skin pocket.  During visualization time (always before supper time but never during sexy time), stare intensely at the area you wish the pocket to manifest and squeeeeeze your skin cells into pocket shapes with your mind powers.

Illustration by Kayaan Zhan and coloured in by the magical Ghia Zierdien

Illustration by Kayaan Zhan and coloured in by the magical Ghia Zierdien

6. Grow a petri dish skin pocket in the comfort of your own tent-lab (we've already started making some, available through our online shop here) and graft it to yourself in your tent-hospital.  Its pretty simple, you can just figure it out.

Now get that fresh skin pocket on that bikini ready bod to the beach already gaaaaaaad!

Available now for a limited time, the AP Future Skin Pocket Acceleration Kit can be purchased from our online shop! Buy now and receive a mini skin purse, perfectly sized to fit all your seeping pustules! You'll like it because IT'S FREE!!!

A Recipe Ode to Grow Your Own Future Skin Pocket

Wow! Like press! Fucking GIF's is the best!!




-allow informations to wash over you, landing where they may

-make a numerated list of the informations that get stuck in your facial hair (she-beards not excluded)


-share that list with the masses via the internet and feel the absolute power of immortality as it pulses through you

-wait for your exposure cheque to arrive in the post